Memoirs of a Manwich: Week 2 and How to Chief for Free

Skippy! Skippy! Skippy!

Although he's no Andre Kristacovitchlalinski, Jr, Jeff Reed forced Yinzers to put the shot glass down and sit in bitter sobriety as he missed two potential game winning field golds at cold and wet Soldier Field.

Making the rounds on the internets, I've noticed that some of the respected news and rumor sources, have made an attempt to appeal to the lowest common towel waving halushki consumer.

The Headline on profootballtalk.com, a site created by a Western PA lawyer, reads:

WILL THE STEELERS PUT JEFF REED ON A SHORT LEASH?

Now I understand these headlines that Mike Florio puts up need to generate interest for his new NBC boss's, and appealing to angry Yinzers is of course the wise and logical tactic.

Howeva!

I will contend, that the Yinzers Florio and crew think they know, have evolved. This ain't Philly son.

Jeff Reed did miss 38 and 43 yard field goals. They did go wide left and they would have most likely have resulted in victory for the Black and Gold. He blew it indeed! No less than a week after a clutch kick in OT too. So goes life as a kicker.

Sports talkers from Cranberry to Wroclaw will not panic though. Florio and his masters expect us to, but we're smarter than that. Why? Well first off, we know how special Skippy is. Contrary to the years of marijuana and whiskey abuse, Yinzer Universe has a fantastic memory; and they remember that prior to when Reed came in, the Steelers were being sabotaged from within by suspected Cleveland Browns operative Kris Brown.

Skippy shit the bed, but San Antonio Homos droppin' balls didn't help. Cutler feeling like 1999 Kurt Warner with Orlando Pace giving him days to whizz the ball to studs like Johnny Knox and Devin Aromashadu didn't help either.

As a certain aviator wearing bad ass would tell you, "We play all 60 minutes as one unit, and the play of one individual does not reflect what we do as a group; we respect that."

Fact is Florio, you're evil Jedi Mind Tricks to stir up the shit in Da Burgh will not work. Not anymore. There is a reason why we are the city of champions. In order to obtain victory a city must let it's coaches coach, which, as you can see by the glow from the trophy cases on the Southside, is what we do here.

Yinzer Universe will not panic. Reed blew this one, but we know he can make the kicks. We will chalk this one up to some circumstances that were not to our maximum benefit, move on, and go to work. We respect the weather conditions, and the ability of the Bears to keep themselves in the game even though they were outmatched talent wise. Panic is for losers. Coffee is for closers. Skippy will get his Venti Frapaccino, don't trip.

Stan, Guy, Love the Show!

Not!

As we are in the midst of arguably the greatest era in the annals of Pittsburgh Sports, we are simultaneously experiencing a Great Depression as Pittsburgh Sports Talkers.

Maybe that's how goes it. We swap quality on our airwaves for quality on the field and ice.

In '06 after the prophet, savior, and voice and choice of our generation; one Mr. Mark Madden, had his inevitable heart attack, coincidentally, our town tasted victory for the first time in many many years.

Then last year, after the suits finally caved in to the jagoff advertisers and fired the Super Genius for comments made about former alcoholic Senator and Billy Mays' newest roommate Ted Kennedy; Yinzer Universe saw it's best year since '79.

I'm not trying to come up with conspiracy theories here, I just want to point out the fact that while we are loving our lives with the success of the Steelers, Pens, Pitt hoops, and the Passion; we are being inundated with written and spoken diarrhea in our local media.

Our voice has been exiled to a rock n' roll radio station, where we are forced to hear Creed and Nickelback in between the shortened takes Mr. Madden bestows upon us.

The truth hath been hijacked.

Having to dig through evangelical christian rock just to get a sane opinion is a bitch slap in the face of all serious Pittsburgh Sports Talkers and we mustn't stand for it.

It has always been tough to get competence in the 412 when it comes to our media members. For every Ed Bouchette, there's a Bob Smizik, Ron Cook, and Gerry Dulac. We are graced by legends on the radio like Double M and Myron Cope; yet they are only on for a limited time, while the rest of the day we must hear from jokes like Eddie Crow, posers like Joe Bendel, and snoozers like Stan and Guy.

If we are going to hold our clubs to such high standards, it is only right to hold those who are lucky enough to report and speak about them in our media to an equal standard. While we still thrive in play-by-play and color categories for all teams(once again excluding the Buccos), our newspapers and radio shows need an overhaul.

Until then here are some alternative strategies........

-Go to mondesishouse.blogspot.com. By far the most trustworthy, honest, and all inclusive site for all things Yinzer.

-Boycott ESPN 1250. ESPN networks, nationwide, refuse to place any non-robotic, non-ass kisser, non-corporate swine on their airwaves. They own the media.......DON"T LET THEM OWN YOU!

-Comb through the information super highway. Search for some truth online, it's our last refuge.

-Call in to Fox Sports Shows and demand them to put quality talent on-air. Threaten them. They know they can't compete with ESPN, they will do anything to catch up; they are whores. Say that Joe Bendel and those other bums are not the quality you expect from such an established organization. Demand personalities, the city is full of 'em.

-Write letters to the editors of the Trib and Post Gazette saying that you have read for years and have grown tired of the stale writing in the sports columns. Ask for fresh takes. Make sure to praise the finest football writer in America though. Ed Bouchette having to share a page with Bob Smizik is a disgrace.

Change won't come until we make it happen.


***********************************Save Us******************************************

Almost as good as Winning the Super Bowl

Ron Mexico got picked up by the Philadelphia Eagles.




This development, I must say, has the potential to put the kind of grin on my face that is so wide it hurts. The kind of smile usually reserved for Kings and a 28 year old getting laid for the first time.

If this "experiment" pans out, then the entire Eagles "organization" will cave like the Buffalo Bills in the Super Bowl.

We all know it's coming. First the alienation of one Donavan F. McNabb. McNabb will try to take it in stride. Say he's glad Vick's on his team, and that he's another weapon for them to utilize. He will of course be clenching his butt cheeks while saying this to Suzy Kolber, holding in the anger and feelings of betrayal. Even though he's never won anything, McNabb has that right, because he knows the golden rule.....If you have 2 starting quarterbacks, then you have no starting quarterbacks.


Donavan's resentment resonates onto the field. Eventually the calls for Vick drive him out of town; but before Vick can step in, McNabb, having made various connections over the years in Philly, has Vick "taken care of."

Vick, preparing to take the starting role, gets cozy in the Philly burbs', and sets up shop. Vick realizes that he's in Westchester, where dog fighting is non-existent, so he gets the idea that he can get some of his boys some extra dough by funding some fights. Luring in the big spenders from the tri-state area, Vick makes his boys exuberant amounts of cash and all is gravy. But then Vick's boys, having the security to cut their thuggish ruggish bond with their financer, rat Vick's ass out after McNabb pays them off in free cheese steaks for life after negotiating a deal with Pat's and Geno's.

Vick goes back to the big house and McNabb is exiled to a suck town, maybe somewhere like Oakland, or even worse...... Cleveland!

After the great McNabb-Vick screw job, Philly is left with Kevin Kolb at QB and Andy Reid has gained 80 lbs and one of his sons is charged with intent to sell crack cocaine to a one-legged post op transvestite/Vietnam Vet.

Reid is eventually fired. Shady McCoy says fuck this place and leaves for greener pastures. And Philadelphia is left stranded with nothing again. The status quo is safe once again. And Philly begins to collectively boo and boo and boo some more. The sound of the boos will be so loud and profound that Pittsburghers will hear them, reminding them that they are the true lords of the manor, rulers of the land, and champions of the Keystone State. It's gonna be great! I can't wait!

What is going on? Who is doing this?

Well…well…well…

The sleeping giant has woken.

Today was the University of Pittsburgh Varsity Football Team’s media day. What does that mean exactly? The answer is absolutely nothing. Who gives a hoot? The only thing news worthy was the unveiling of the new uniforms. Pitt switched from Addias to Nike. Why? Cash, that’s why. What the hell Mr. Pederson. Why must you change our apparel every year? I understand that you have a difficult task on your hands picking up the pieces from former athletic director Jeff Long, who failed miserably in the scheduling department, and making up for the on-field under achievements; but you’re really fucking up here. You’re just trying to sell new shirts to people like me who will buy them. Isn’t it bad enough that donations must be made on top of season tickets and these donations determine your seats? Don’t get me wrong, Stevie P. has done a fantastic job with scheduling and other management decisions, but if you’re going to develop a brand, you have to get some consistency. I know this is not the SEC and when times are tough you must suck the money from somewhere and the new uniforms is the sweeper he’s selected at the expense of the integrity of our brand. Enough with the talk, let’s get a look at these bad boys.

When you look at this picture, the first thing that comes to mind is that DE Jabaal Sheard is one bad motherfucker and he is going to hurt anyone he gets his mitts on. Once that has been digested, you’ll notice that these uniforms are very similar to the previous years, just not as flashy. The colors aren’t as bright giving and they are rather simple them an old school look. However, when I look at these rags I see a psu uniform with Notre Dame colors. They look too similar to Notre Dame and Navy in my opinion. I prefer something like this.

Now for the important stuff, what can we expect from our boys this year? During the Big East media day, representatives TE Nate Byham, DE Greg “I get more white women than you” Romeus, and Murrysivlle’s favorite son RG John Malecki accepted the award of being ranked number 1 in the Big East preseason poll. Well isn’t that a load of horseshit. Take a gander at this poll:

Rank Team Points

1. Pittsburgh (8) 161

2. West Virginia (5) 151

3. Cincinnati (8) 144

4. USF (3) 130

5. Rutgers 126

6. Connecticut 74

7. Louisville 51

8. Syracuse 27

Who the hell votes for this shit? Football beat writers don’t even have a vote. Casual observers like Ron Cook and Bob Smizek that can’t even name 10 guys on half the teams cast blind votes based on bowl game performances and returning quarterbacks. Some people, such as coaches, know who they’re voting for but these others clowns don’t have a clue and are trying to satisfy their agenda. Satisfy this. This league will not be that competitive. The way things look now, Pitt will roll through conference, but we’ll save predictions to just prior to week 1.

Training camp starts tomorrow but officially doesn’t start till this weekend because of the NCAA enforcing these “no pads” pansy ass rules. Let’s face it, these kids are here to play football and goddamn it they should play. Why, oh why, can these kids only practice 2 hours per day in shorts and t-shirts? They certainly are not going to library...to study.

For practice reports, you can read Kevin Gorman’s blog at tribunereview.com, Paul Zeise and pittsburghpostgazette.com, rivals.com, and scout.com, but if you want the real spin, read The Daily Blumpkin.

Too many questions Mr. Wayne…too many questions.

There’s a lot of fuss coming into this camp primarily due to a poor performance during a meaningless game on new years eve. The truth is that there are some bad mamajamas on this team and some fools are going to get whooped. RT Lucas Nix is meaner than deep fried alligator tail, FB Henry Hynoski resembles pickup truck from Edinboro, and DT Mick Williams may kill someone.

Quarterback is obviously the concern on everybody’s mind and rightfully so. Some of you may be looking at the quarterback situation and asking yourselves, what does Wannstedt see in this kid? Billy Stull played good enough last year before an injury derailed his season. If Stull can’t return to form from before he got wrecked against Rutgers, Lancaster’s own Pat Bostick or the next great one from Central, Tino Sunseri, better be ready. If these guys can’t pull it together, these games will be close. Other concerns include replacing the kicker, offensive line depth, consistency at wide receiver, and breaking in new line backers.

As far as I’m concerned, the defense is going to hurt people and the new offensive coordinator may make all the difference. The bottom line is that the wolf pack, the church, usf bulls, bearcats, and hoople heads better be ready or they’re going to get blasted. I suggest everyone sit back, crack open a Just Coors, and get yourself a few of Mrs. Russo’s meatballs because this season will be BALDWIN!

The War of Plunder

The economy sucks.

People have no health care.

Banks boasting huge quarterly profits in wake of being handed money before they failed at Bank life.

Business as usual in America.

The ignorance of the public is pretty laughable. Arguing complaining, wondering what the fuck is happening as they gaze around like a child lost and without a clue, looking for mommy in the dark movie theater. All of this as the facts, the history, the evidence as to why so many of them are getting screwed is there and very plain to see.

Can't shit on proverbs either man. It's pretty obvious to see that ignorance truly is bliss.

The public loves them some goddamn ignorance man. Can't get enough. Like Coke, football, and porno, it's an American staple.

So we let a small group of greedy jagoffs take the money we don't have out of our pockets to "save" their companies. Meanwhile, they give each other bonuses for doing such a good job at giving that triumphant assfuck to the people's collective cornhole.

While few try to take action, the rest of the humanoids shut up and let it go by the wayside while they go on with life. The do walk a little funny now however do to the constant poop shoot pounding they've been receiving.

Even with the peg legged sailor limp, the public won't question the dicks who are screwing them.

Why? Why are they just letting this happen. Who wants to see the rich get richer while the poor get poorer? Haven't wars broke out because of shit like that? Didn't a dude in England used to steal from castles and prance into the forest with rich people's goods to help out people in this situation? Why isn't anyone stepping up? Are the public a bunch of pussies? Are they assholes?

The answer is: A little bit of both.

As they famously claim and allude to in Team America: World Police, the public is a collection of assholes and pussies.

Assholes who smoke ignorance blunts all day everyday. It's what they do! Sticking to their guns and saying fuck the rest. Most of these assholes are brainwashed humanoids who can't think for themselves. These are the worst kinds of assholes. As opposed to the more genuine and honest assholes. People who are openly selfish, lazy, hateful, and just not pleasant to be near.

I can deal with these assholes. I respect their honesty and the clear line they mark in the sand between themselves and the ones who didn't have a little kid pee in their gene pool. At least these assholes make it so we know who to avoid and pay no attention to.

Those other assholes, the brainwashed ones allowing themselves to sit on the sidelines and be force fed shit until they poop out double doses of shit, filling the pipes up with more shit than it can take; causing the system to back up and spray shit back out at us, making it impossible to flush, leaving the rest of us with excess shit to smell and look at as it just lies there in all its fecal glory.

These assholes suck because they show signs of hope but eventually fall in line with the other assholes. Their brains are canvases that appear to be clear and ready to be turned into works of art, but before we can touch it with the brush, like chimps during play time on a hot summer day, the other assholes run up to them and throw their own feces all over the beautifully plain canvas; killing the would be masterpiece, turning it into a shit show. Those are the throw aways. The ones worth jack shit. Not even shitty enough to be considered avant garde or kiche ; but just plain old shit.

Hard to determine who should be loathed by the sane; those assholes or the pussies. Not the good pussies with the landing strip and the cute little pink labes dangling so elegant and free. I'm talking about the hairy beasts that spread tuna stench and chlamydia everywhere. Wimps, wussies, and paranoid schizo's run amok in country. The complete pussification of our once great society has left the younger generations crippled by over-protection and and the mass confusion that the PC era has spread throughout the land like a California wild fire.

Unlike assholes however, pussies can be saved. The cure? Anarchy. Rage. Anger. Some say a dangerous path to take; but like a surgeon performing a risky operation on a cancer patient with a minuscule chance at survival, these are the only options for a full recovery. And so I excite this upon my loyal pussy readers......

Go to the hill, the plan, or the gated community where your local richers live and knock on the door and ask them if you can have a conversation about the state of current shit. If they let you in, ask them what they do for living, how they maintain their lifestyle. Make sure to identify all religious and social affiliations. Get a sense of what it is like for them. Try and be civilized and get to know how these humanoids.

If they decline, make sure you ate a lot of broccoli before you left the pad and take a steamy shit in their driveway.

There's your Blumpkin. Might want to make a courtesy flush after that log rolls down there.

Extra!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



-You're Major League Baseball trade deadline has come and gone. Let's look at the winners and losers......



Winners: The teams with all the money.



Losers: The teams whose rosters are raped and pillaged by the teams with money.



Baseball.....what a delightfully ironic microcosm of how the world works.



-Redneck in Scranton proclaims: "If your in America and can't speak English, get the fuck out!"



Hughstown, PA bigot, freedom of speech advocate, and foo manchu enthusiast Joseph Decker, was arrested in November for having this sign on the back of his pickup, and is now suing the town that violated his rights.



Horrible whenever someone's freedom of speech is threatened. Give these Hughstown coppers the benefit of the doubt and subscribe to the belief that they pulled Mr. Decker over, not for being offensive, but for being an ignorant prick with the grammar of someone who might live in Hughstown, Pennsylvania!


Yes it is true, that headline reads correct! The hooplehead's boisterous claim in favor of his beloved native tongue, failed to recognize some simple rules within the language he holds so dear.


Naturally after "my smart-alec wop lawyer said it wasn't proper grammar," Mr. Decker changed his sign, not only to be less offensive (he placed symbols within the "Fuck" word) but he did indeed correct his mistake and changed the "your" into "you're."

Think of it this way Spanish, Korean, and Swahili speakers; all you really need to live in Joe Decker's America is the same knowledge of the English language as someone who shits themselves regularly and is really into the Backyardigans. Get your shit together and pick up some books. I suggest Everybody Poops by Taro Gomi. You should be able to get Mr. Decker's view on the sanctity of the English language.

Joe Decker,

Although I find your views poppycock, I will fight 'til the death for your right to express them.

And now a return to innocence.

Hi oh ay ay ay ay ay. Oh ay ay ay ayeeeahahaha oh ay hee ay hee aha. Oh ayeeeay ah!

Grab a saw. Grab yourself. A man should have a talent his hands.

There's your blumpkin. Flush that two!

Some Headlines!.........

-Barack meets with Mr. Crowley and the Black Professor over a beer.

-The Honduran coup government still refuses to allow former Prez Manny Zelaya back into the country.

-The major media networks refuse to voice the opinions of single payer Health Care advocates.

And Finally.......

-It has been leaked by the New York Times that Mannywood and his former teammate Big Papi David Ortiz are 2 more names from the list of players who tested postive for 'roids in 2003

In related news.....

The Pope is Catholic, little girls love the Jonas Brothers, and Fox News leans right.

Anyone who posted on their Facebook or Twitter that they were surprised when they heard Big Papi did steroids should be given a certificate of authendoucheity. If you posted "Why Papi Why?" you had to be doing it tongue in cheek or you're a grade A, top choice bozo.

In the most obvious blurb of news since it was revealed Liberace was gay, Red Sux nation was finally given a swift kick in the nuts by the Karma Chameleon.

So much for that red golden dream.

Doesn't it give us all hope knowing that the purest form of evil in the modern sports world eventually got what was coming to it?

For the better part of this decade we have sat back and taken it up the ass by Tom Brady, Paul Pierce, Big Papi, and Boston fan. All while these lifelong losers finally took the brass ring. Centuries of futility erased in a flash. All of a sudden a "Nation" of winners was born.

Did you think you'd get away with it Bob Ryan? Were we really not going to figure it out Ben Affleck? You honestly believed we were that dumb Steven Tyler?

Boston fan couldn't take the bullying anymore. They needed a way out of the swirlies New York and L.A. were giving them. But what could they do?

Putting old fashioned hard work and elbow grease by the wayside, Beantown began to think outside the box.

As the stench of failure flowed through New England, and the pressure to win reached a boiling point, things began to happen......

A corrupt referee was regulating the courts of the NBA.

Steroid use became even more accessible and effiicient in baseball.

Videotaping technology became advanced and useful enough to give an upper hand to those with the cahones to utilize it.

What happens next? Championships are won. Heroes are born. The City of Losers turned itself into the City of Champions. And with the rings and a heavyweight media machine backing them up who was to argue?

As time goes by Boston fan is learning that these beloved years of sports prosperity that they have enjoyed are all a farce, a sham, a bamboozlement. Just like a poor boy growing up in the boondocks, the anguish and uncertainty led them down the wrong path.

It became to hard for Beantown. They took the easy way out. It would have been all gravy if they had gotten away with it. But they left a paper trail. It was all too good to be true.

You stole victory Boston; like a thief in the night. You're a loser. You knew it all along. And now, the world knows it. Cities have roles. Some win. Some lose. You had to learn the hard way what yours is.

There's your blumpkin. Don't forget to throw those rings in the bowl before you flush!